Nu pagadi!
by T.E.D.S
Summary: CRACK. One-shot. Voldemort decides that Slavonic bravery is something he needs in the second war, so he recruits some Slavs. And Bellatrix is chosen to train them! Unfortunately, the cultural barriers are huge.


Bellatrix was watching the new recruits. They were all Slavs. Dark Lord was satisfied with them, as most of them carried the stereotypical Slavonic bravery. Of course, he considered most of them only pawns, but there were a few who could even get into the inner circle...

There was Bronia Pavlovna, who acted like a respectable noble widow while sober and like a mad murderer after a few shots of vodka. She was recruited after she single-handedly killed half a dozen men who merely insulted her. All other Death Eaters were cautious close to her.

There was Karel Čvrtek, whose name everyone, even most of the Slavs, failed to pronounce correctly. He was a grim man in his early thirties, but he was always wearing a cheerful mask which made most people trust him completely. He could easily recruit new Slavonic pawns, for even though he didn't speak English fluently and usually needed a translator to understand it, he was quite a sociable type and he made friends easily. He was also pretty capable of firing deadly spells, and overjoyed as he learned _Sectumsempra_.

There was Michajlo Piatakov, who loved singing and treasured his balalaika more than his wand. Many of his songs were hypnotizing and the people who were attracted by the sound didn't know they were just becoming the prey.

Bellatrix smiled at she watched the most promising apprentices, but she couldn't spot the fourth and last of them. She frowned. Kazimierz Łaszcz was probably lying somewhere, drunk beyond measures...

'I'm sorry for being late for the training, Ma'am Sister' she heard the Slav's voice. She sighed with relief and turned to face him. The man was smiling with pride, carrying some bundle in natural linen.

'What have you brought today, Sir Brother?' Bellatrix asked. The Slav came closer and showed the contents of the bundle: a baby.

'She's my daughter' Łaszcz explained. 'I wished to gave her a good name to honor my mentor' he bowed with honor to Bellatrix, 'but you know how the law is at mine...'

'What – in Soviet Union?'

The Slav frowned and glanced at Bronia and Michajlo. Then he whispered,

'I must warn you once again, Ma'am Sister. Soviet Union is gone. Never mention it when Bronia or Michajlo, or anyone else from this area can hear you... and for the same reasons never mention Czechoslovakia near Karel.'

'I'm sorry. So... what is the law?'

'Every child must be registered not only for the wizarding registry but also in muggle one. Unfortunately, Bellatrix is not an accepted name...'

Bellatrix shrugged.

'You didn't need to...'

'I know' the Slav nodded. 'But I wanted. And guess what? I could name her Narcissa, I could name her Andromeda, I could give her even a name as silly as Nymphadora... but not Bellatrix!'

Bellatrix clenched her fists.

'What did you name her in the end, Sir Brother?' she asked.

'I decided to give her a Slavonic name. She's called Dobrogniewa. It means, „one who angers well".'

'Good name' Bellatrix smiled. 'Are you going to train now or not?'

'Uh... will you hold her?' the Slav asked and as Bellatrix took the baby, he gave a whoop and faced Bronia. The woman sneered at him and pointed her wand at him.

'_Ne izbezhatʹ etogo!_' she laughed. The man blocked her spell.

'_Takiego wała jak Polska cała!_' he yelled, flashing his own spell. The two Slavs duelled as if nothing else mattered for them. Curses were flying in every direction, so most of the other Slavs were too busy shielding themselves from spells to train. Finally the duel between Pavlovna and Łaszcz was over.

'_Spasiba_' the woman said with courtesy.

'_Dziękuję_' the man replied and bowed. Someone lay a piece of cloth right on the floor, someone else prepared a set of shot glasses, little jars and empty inkwells.

'_Ya nalyvayu_' Michajlo said and poured vodka to every glass on the cloth. Bellatrix counted the apprentices and the glasses. There seemed to be one spare shot, but one of the Slavs took two glasses and gave one to Bellatrix.

'I... thank you, but I don't drink' the woman said. The Slav frowned.

'_Ze mną się nie napijesz?_' he asked. Bellatrix knew the Slavs well enough to know that it was the ultimate way to get someone drinking, and that refusing the drink was an insult, so she swallowed the shot. Michajlo put his wand into his chast pocket and started playing his balalaika. This particular melody wasn't a sad tune he would use for the dark arts; it was a joyous, fast song. Some of the Slavs began singing.

'_Tu__zhyv__kozak__u__vistu__mam__rokiv__dvadcat'__tri,__liubiv__kozak__dyvchynu__i__z__syrom__pyrohy!__Hej!__czula__czula__czula,__hej!__czula__czula__ty,__liubiv__kozak__dyvchynu__i__z__syrom__pyrohy!_'

Somewhere else, another group of Slavs was singing another song, a slower and sadder one.

'_Sharmanka-sharlatanka, kak sladko ty poëshʹ! Sharmanka-sharlatanka, kuda menya zovëshʹ? Shagayu yele-yele, vershok za pyatʹ minut. Nu kak doĭti do tseli, kogda botinki zhmut?_'

Yet another Slav was playing guitar, and Slavs surrounding him were singing something like a march song.

'_Róża – czerwono, biało kwitnie bez! Nikt z nas nie pęka, chociaż krucho jest! Wzgórza przejdziemy, wodą popijemy, kuchnie polowe – diabli wiedzą gdzie! Kto by się martwił, że na drodze kurz? I śnieg, i deszcz – to znamy już..._'

Kazimierz Łaszcz was sitting next to Bellatrix, away from the company.

'I sometimes don't understand them' he said, pointing at one group of Slavs.

'Aren't you all Slavs?' Bellatrix frowned. Kazimierz chuckled.

'But we are different Slavs. Sure, I can assume what they mean, but I'm never sure...'

'Different Slavs?'

'Yes, Slavs aren't one nation' Kazimierz explained patiently.

'_...V siudly oni upali tak blysko, jak mohly, ona jeho cyluje, a vin jist pyrohy. Hej! czula czula czula, hej! czula czula ty, ona jeho cyluje, a vin jist pyrohy!_'

'Aren't?' Bellatrix gazed at him with her eyes wide open. Kazimierz laughed even louder.

'I don't want to be rude, Ma'am Sister, but how come you were chosen to train Slavs when you know hardly anything about them?'

'You see, Sir Brother, we do have some Slavs already, but they... aren't good teachers of the Dark Arts...'

Kazimierz nodded understandingly and went to join the group with a guitar.

'_Wzgórza przejdziemy, wodą popijemy, woda po walce ma jak wino smak! Róża – czerwono, biało kwitnie bez – dojdziesz, bracie, choć krucho jest!_'

Bellatrix shook her head. Slavs would definitely come out useful, but maybe they should be divided into national groups? She had heard that the Slavs lived mostly in Soviet Union, Czechoslovakia, People's Republic of Poland and... Bulgaria? Yes, this too, but in this group there were no Bulgarians, so three groups would be enough...

Drunken laughter burst once again and Bronia suddenly stood up with her wand in one hand and a half-emptied bottle of vodka in another.

'_Nu, Dumbledore... pagadi!_' she burst out.

_Some explanations:_

_Ma'am Sister, Sir Brother – it's literal translation of the way Polish nobles addressed each other. There was no hierarchy among Polish nobility, every noble was equal, and thus the brotherly way of addressing._

_In Poland it is really allowed to name a daughter Andromeda, Narcissa or Nymphadora, but not Bellatrix._

_Ne izbezhatʹ etogo! – „You won't dodge this!"_

_Takiego wała jak Polska cała! – literally, „A dick as big as whole Poland!", used sometimes to express „never in my whole life" or „fuck off"._

_Spasiba, Dziękuję – both mean „Thank you"._

_Ya nalyvayu – „I'll pour"_

_Ze mną się nie napijesz? – „Won't you drink with me?", with emphasis on „with me". Nowadays people who don't drink at all can make this excuse and not be rude. However, if you do drink and refuse drinking with someone, it's a hard, personal insult._

_The songs the Slavs are singing are genuine Slavonic songs. The first one is about love the Cossacks have to... pyrohy (or pierogi), the second – about a misguiding jukebox and the third one is about marching._

_Nu, Dumbledore, pagadi! – „Just you wait, Dumbledore!". There was also a Russian cartoon about a wolf and a hare, where the words „Nu, zajac, pagadi!" („Just you wait, rabbit!") often were spoken. In every single episode, if I recall it well._

_This story takes place in the times of the second wizarding war, so Soviet Union, Czechoslovakia and People's Republic of Poland don't exist anymore. The Slavs are quite touchy on this subject, so saying that one of the Slavs is from Czechoslovakia or Soviet Union could be even considered a suicide.  
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_My poor translations of songs:_

_First song:_

_There was a Cossack who was twenty-three, this Cossack loved girls and pyrohy with quark. (then there is a line about him meeting a girl who invited him for pyrohy) They sat down as close to each other as they could, she was kissing him and he was eating pyrohy._

_Second song:_

_You misguiding jukebox, how sweetly you sing! Misguiding jukebox, where are you guiding me? I'm stepping slowly, an inch for five minuts, but how to reach the goal wearing too tight shoes?_

_Third song:_

_A rose in red, lilac in white blooms! No one gives up, even though it's hard! We'll cross the hills, we'll drink water, field kitchens are devil only knows where! Who worries about dust on the road? Or snow, or rain – we know it already... We'll cross the hills, we'll drink water, water after battle tastes like wine! A rose in red, lilac in white blooms – you'll get there, brother, even though it's hard!_


End file.
